I’m attending a conference with a dude who won’t talk to me

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I work in a niche role in a slightly less niche industry. At the beginning of the year, my boss (Jules) informed us that a new role was opening up on the team — team coordinator.

The new role would be responsible for managing the day-to-day workload for the team, freeing Jules up to concentrate more on the big-picture stuff. Because our jobs are so niche, HR deemed it unlikely they’d find someone external who could take on the role, so the new manager would be an existing member of our team.

Other than me, the team consisted of Grayson, Ellie, and Andy. Andy wasn’t interested in the role as he is close to retirement. Grayson, Ellie, and I all applied for it. I had a suspicion (since verified) that Grayson and I were the only real contenders as we were better performers than Ellie. Beyond that, in my view it was impossible to guess which of the two of us would get the job. Grayson and I both did great, high-volume work. We had similar levels of industry knowledge and experience.

Ultimately, I got the job. From what I understand, it was a super close thing, but I just pipped Grayson in the interview.

When the appointment was made public to the team, Ellie and Andy both messaged me privately, offering warm, seemingly sincere congratulations. Grayson sent a brief message: “Congrats on the job.”

Prior to this job posting, Grayson and I often messaged one another on Slack and we occasionally video-called on quiet Friday afternoons. Since I got the job, Grayson has barely talked to me. No calls, only super-brief messages where absolutely necessary, and responding to my messages with just a thumbs-up or “ok.”

And I get it. This job was our only likely chance at promotion until (or unless) our boss leaves, and the kind of jobs we have are few and far between so there aren’t many viable options beyond the role I now have. If things had panned out the other way and the job went to Grayson, I’d have been super disappointed. And I know he must feel like “what’s the point of working so hard if you get nowhere?” I genuinely understand why he’s probably not happy.

I’m not sure if anyone else on the team has noticed this change in behavior, and I’ve been reluctant to bring it up and make it a thing as we are otherwise a friendly and drama-free team, the work is getting done, and I don’t want my first few months as a new manager to be tarnished by team trouble.

However, there is a big conference coming up in November. We can only justify two of us attending as it’s our busy period, so we drew names out of hats. And guess who was picked … yep, me and Grayson.

The thought of spending three days with a dude who seems to be actively avoiding speaking to me seems like a bad idea. But I honestly don’t know what to do for the best.

Part of me thinks I need to keep giving him time to process and get over this (because prior to this he was a genuinely good dude). Part of me feels guilty that I got this job over him. And part of me is mad that he’s ruining what should be a good experience for me. Please help me. I literally do not know what the best course of action is.

Grayson is being … well, a bit precious here.

It’s okay to be disappointed in not getting a job! We’ve all been there. And if he needs to pull back on being social with you right now because of that disappointment, that’s fine.

But only responding when absolutely necessary and then only with a thumbs-up” or curt “ok” is a bit much. You didn’t steal the job out from under him, or use dirty tactics to get it, or promise you weren’t applying and then swoop in at the last minute. You presumably didn’t take credit for his work during the interview process or try to undermine him. You just applied for a job, the same as he did, and you ended up being the one chosen.

You definitely don’t need to feel guilty about that. But I’d also try not to be mad; he feels what he feels, and this may be the best way he can manage it right now. It’s not particularly mature, but who knows what else might be going on with him. For all we know, this might be the latest in a string of recent disappointments and he’s struggling to handle it all. Or not, but it’ll help you be more charitable toward him if you allow for possibilities like that.

As for the conference … since it’s four months away, there’s a decent chance that Grayson will work through whatever he’s grappling with by then and the trip will be fine.

But if it’s a few weeks before the trip and he’s still avoiding you, it could be worth trying to clear the air. Would you be comfortable saying that you’ve wanted to be respectful of his boundaries but you miss the warmer relationship you used to have and wondered if the two of you can talk through whatever’s going on before traveling together? Or you could say, “Can we clear the air? I know you’ve pulled back from talking with me recently, and I want to make sure there’s nothing I’ve done that’s upset you.” (In fact, you could say that now if you want to.)

Alternately, you could just go on the trip and act like your normal, friendly self. It’s possible the trip could act as a sort of reset, since you’ll be forced to interact more. Or who knows, maybe it’ll be horribly awkward.

But just because he’s being weird doesn’t mean you need to be. You can treat him the way you would anyone else — maybe not the Grayson of old, but a colleague you aren’t close to but assume mutual good will with. Maybe suggest dinner one night of the trip, which he can decline if he wants, but otherwise just plan to do conference stuff on your own, the same way you might if you were attending with someone you didn’t know well or who wasn’t very social. You can also book separate travel and don’t need to feel bound to approach the conference as a unit.

It might not be the best work trip you’ve ever taken, but it will probably end up being less of an ordeal than you’re fearing.