“If not now, then when?”: Couple in their 50s become ‘young parents’ again by fostering a 7-month-old baby

It was not the most convenient time for Dr Tan Kok Yang and his wife Isobel to start fostering. They were still grieving the loss of their younger daughter three years earlier. They were caring for Dr Tan’s mother who had suffered a stroke. Their elder daughter was in her rigorous A-level years. On top […] The post “If not now, then when?”: Couple in their 50s become ‘young parents’ again by fostering a 7-month-old baby appeared first on Salt&Light.

Religion Oct 29, 2025 0 9 Add to Reading List

“If not now, then when?”: Couple in their 50s become ‘young parents’ again by fostering a 7-month-old baby

It was not the most convenient time for Dr Tan Kok Yang and his wife Isobel to start fostering.

They were still grieving the loss of their younger daughter three years earlier. They were caring for Dr Tan’s mother who had suffered a stroke. Their elder daughter was in her rigorous A-level years.

On top of all this, Dr Tan’s workload as a clinical associate professor and senior consultant surgeon at Khoo Teck Puat Hospital had increased, as Singapore emerged from the COVID-19 pandemic in 2022.

“It was not intuitive to take on more responsibility when my wife and I decided to become foster parents,” said Dr Tan, now 54. “But we were ready.”

The Tan family with daughters Joie and Chloe in earlier years.

They were ready because they knew that there was “no such thing as a perfect time”. As it was, they had already waited 17 years since their interest in fostering was first sparked.

Hearts stirred for fostering

The Tans first learnt about fostering after chancing upon a pamphlet at a hospital in 2005.

At the time, they were going in and out of hospital with Joie, their older daughter who had been born premature. She had arrived tiny – the size of two palms – and had weighed just 1.2kg.

The fostering pamphlet touched Isobel, who loves children and had lost two babies before Joie was born.

“I showed it to Kok Yang to ask if he was open to the idea of fostering. He said yes,” recalled Isobel, 52.

Pictures of Joie when she was born.

However years passed as they tended to their premature newborn daughter. Five years later, their second daughter, Chloe, was born.

In 2016, when her daughters were six and 11, Isobel was reminded of her desire to foster when a good friend of hers started fostering.

She also knew that Chloe had always wanted to be a big sister, though it was unlikely that Isobel would have another baby as she had already undergone too many C-sections by then.

From a young age, Chloe (in pink) loved children.

“We wanted to foster but we were waiting for her to finish her PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination),” said Isobel.

Sadly, Chloe was diagnosed with autoimmune disease lupus in July 2019, and passed away a month later from a treatment-related complication.

Her death shocked the family. Dr Tan often found himself crying in his office, before wiping away his tears in order to start work with a smile.

A recent picture of the Tan family, without Chloe. Chloe was diagnosed with lupus in July 2019.

Despite grieving deeply for Chloe, the Tans still remembered their intention to foster.

“Chloe was God-fearing and very loving to other children, including those with special needs. We wanted to live strongly with courage and love like she did,” said Isobel.

When Chloe’s first death anniversary came around in 2020, the Tans sent in an application for fostering.

They completed a course on fostering and went through rounds of interviews to assess their suitability as foster parents. The rigorous process from application to approval took about four months.

Baby J

Just as they were accredited as foster parents, Dr Tan’s mother had a stroke in early-2021.

His mother moved in with them and Isobel became her main caregiver. Without a domestic helper then, there was no way their family could welcome a foster child.

Dr Tan’s mother was hospitalised when she had a stroke in February 2021.

One year later, the family found themselves coping better after they hired a helper.

Even though they were exhausted, they decided to “just do it now as it was something we had always wanted to do”, said Dr Tan.

So, in June 2022, seven-month-old Baby J entered their home.

Baby J on the first day that he came to the Tan family.

His smile captured their hearts.

Everyone fell in love with him, even Dr Tan’s mother who initially could not understand why they wanted to take care of someone else’s child.

J loved to help Dr Tan’s mother with her walking frame.

The introduction of a baby into the family changed the dynamics at home for the better. Dr Tan’s mother used to have many emotional needs, but those lessened when her attention was diverted to the baby.

“J was such a blessing to us. We tried to love him unconditionally like our own, but we received so much in return,” said Dr Tan.

As J’s main caregiver, Isobel fed him, changed his diapers and cared for him throughout the day. At night, Joie helped out by playing with him, or by playing the piano for him. Dr Tan was in charge of showering J when he returned home from work.

Becoming young parents again in their 50s

While raising J, an affectionate and cheeky boy, brought much joy and laughter to the home, it was no walk in the park.

Overnight, Dr Tan and Isobel went back to becoming “young parents”, complete with disrupted sleep, countless diapers, body aches from carrying J and multiple hospital visits.

J sleeping on Isobel’s lap after having his milk.

“He had eczema. He screamed and cried loudly for long periods of time due to the itch from his bad skin or whenever he was distressed. He would also scratch his face out,” said Isobel.

J also caught several bugs, including croup, COVID and hand, foot and mouth disease, landing him in the emergency department a few times.

J at 8 months old.

“It was God’s model of love in 1 Corinthians 13 that sustained us. It was because God first loved us that we could love others by relying on His grace and sustenance,” said Dr Tan.

Deeper roots

Inevitably, there were times when the days and nights felt too long for Dr Tan and Isobel.

“There were disagreements that came with taking care of a young child. We were also still quietly grieving our lost daughter. Coupled with the demands at work and at home, I felt I was drowning and wrote to my pastor for advice,” said Dr Tan, whose family worships at Bethany Independent Presbyterian Church.

One night when J could not sleep, Dr Tan decided to take him out for a drive at 4am, and both of them ended up watching the sun rise over the Merlion along the Singapore River.

In response, his pastor told him that there was no need for him to drown if he could plant deeper roots and flourish in the water.

Heeding his advice, Dr Tan doubled down on reading God’s Word, and expressed his thoughts and emotions by writing poetry as a way of processing the Scriptures.

“I realised that when I face day-to-day challenges and I read my Bible, there is always something in it that can be applied to my situation,” said Dr Tan.

Isobel also turned to God. Prayer and community also kept her afloat.

Isobel praying with J.

“We prayed with J every night before bed and on our own. It helped that we had the church community and fostering community to turn to,” she said.

For instance, one couple stepped up as respite carers when the Tans had to travel (J’s biological parents did not give consent for him to travel with them). Others supplied them with items that J needed.

The reward of relationship

Knowing that the fostering journey was also not easy on J, the Tans took extra care to be patient with him.

In return for their patience and love, they were richly rewarded with witnessing his first steps, first words, affirmations of love and cheeky banter that brightened their day.

From an adorable and affectionate baby, J grew into a curious and active boy who loves books and nature adventures. The family took him on many outings – Gardens by the Bay, the zoo and for staycations.

Dr Tan taking J out for a walk.

Enjoying the waterfall together at Jewel Changi Airport.

J attended Sunday School and named “Jesus loves me” and “God is so good” as his favourite songs.

Whenever anyone in the family, or his respite carer, was unwell, he would ask if he could pray for the person.

J knows that Jesus loves him.

J enjoys reading books about God.

Saying goodbye

In the fostering journey, one of the toughest parts is often saying goodbye when the child is reintegrated with his or her biological family.

Right from the start, the Tans had prepared their hearts for the inevitable separation. There was much uncertainty in the process as their time with J was reviewed each year, depending on whether his birth family was assessed to be ready to take him back.

Joie taking a dip with J in the pool.

Many people cautioned the Tan family that, having already lost one child, saying goodbye to another one would be extremely difficult. However, they decided to focus on the time they had with J and were prepared to care for him for as long as he needed it.

Nevertheless, they had many conversations with J about having to leave them and reunite with his own family one day. It was meant to prepare J and themselves for the eventual day of parting.

The Tan family with J on an outing at Sentosa.

The reintegration process was not easy. As J’s visits to his biological parents increased in frequency and duration, J was aware that a farewell with the Tans was imminent. He started acting out in school and there were times when he refused to go.

“It was really difficult even though the child protection workers were understanding and gave a longer runway for the transition. How can we expect a young child to fathom the notion that one day we are here in his life and the next day, we are not?” asked Isobel.

Knowing that it was important that J experienced closure, she planned a farewell party. All the people that J had grown to love – friends from church and the fostering community – were invited to the party.

J’s farewell party: People who had cared for and bonded with J were invited.

“He had fun that day because there was a bouncy castle and food, and everyone he loved was around him. But parting the next day was tearful,” said Isobel.

J reunited with his birth parents this April, after about three years of living with the Tans. With his birth parents’ consent, Isobel visits J every week, whenever their schedules allow.

“We want to continue to be a part of his life and be a resource for his parents to tap on,” said Isobel.

J having fun on the bouncy castle at his farewell party.

She now volunteers with the Mentor for Good Programme, by Home for Good, Singapore. The programme allows experienced foster parents to provide peer-to-peer support for other foster parents. Home for Good, Singapore, also has a Buddy for Good programme where befrienders journey with foster children and their families.

In their own fostering journey, the Tans have experienced a deeper level of God’s provision and faithfulness.

“It was not an easy journey and we could not have done it without God. He was with us all these times. It encourages me want to walk closer to God to find a deeper faith and a stronger love for Him and for people,” Dr Tan told Salt&Light.

The Tans are planning to take in another foster child next year.

“There are many children in need out there,” Isobel noted.

“If you have a heart for fostering, don’t take it lightly – prepare yourself by having meaningful discussions with your family, and commit everything to God in prayer,” she said.

“But don’t hesitate and wait until everything is perfect. If not now, when?”

A/Prof Tan Kok Yang is a senior consultant surgeon at Khoo Teck Puat Hospital. He began writing poems for his patients in 2018, and has also compiled a selection of poems to promote foster parenting. These poems, spanning six years, reflect his journey of navigating life’s sorrows and challenges with faith. He hopes these poems will inspire others to always remain hopeful.

To purchase his poetry book, click here. All proceeds go to Home for Good, Singapore.

Do you have a heart for vulnerable children and families?

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These include: