employee cries whenever she gets a new assignment, team went to dinner without me, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee cries audibly whenever she gets a new assignment

I am a lawyer at a small-ish law firm. We have five paralegals, of varying abilities. Our best and most senior paralegal is a bit of a cryer. It seems like it is part of her process. Every time she gets an assignment, she goes back to her cubicle and cries for about five minutes. The crying is audible. My office door is about 30 feet from her and I can hear it. It’s not to the level of “just informed a close friend died” but it’s beyond some silent tears when you watch a sad movie.

Then she composes herself, gets to work, and does a great job. So this isn’t a performance issue, but it is a bit of a perception issue. While she cries, the rest of the office kind of scatters. The other support staff, who are in the same open plan section of the office, have started finding things to do away from their desks as this happens. Those of us with offices and doors shut our doors. For a while, one of the other attorneys would stop what she is doing and check in, coach her through getting going, but it was clear that this was just A Thing That Happens. So the office has settled into a combination of ignoring it and making ourselves scarce.

Is this right? Do we keep just ignoring it? She always gets her work done and done well. (And we always make sure to let her know what a great job she does with assignments. We’ve tried a lot of positive reinforcement. It didn’t change anything about the initial crying.) She is very pleasant and happy outside of the five minutes after she gets a new assignment. The only real downside is that it is awkward, and when we have new people in the office they get a bit freaked out about our culture (which is pretty laid back, despite the daily crying interruptions). We do have some conference rooms that are often empty, so if she wanted a private space that is available. Do we start telling her that she needs to use one for crying? Is that appropriate?

I think it’s more than a minor issue! Working around someone who frequently cries audibly is a big deal! I’m not surprised her colleagues are scattering since most people would find that really stressful and disruptive. People can’t continue on with whatever work they’re doing (or social conversation, or whatever is happening in the moment) when someone nearby is audibly crying. It’s distracting, it will cast a huge pall over everyone who hears it, people will wonder if they should be trying to comfort her or at least acknowledging her sadness … it’s a big deal.

Have you ever talked to her about it, naming the pattern and asking what’s going on in those moments? I’d start there. As part of that conversation, you can explain that’s it’s rough on others and ask her to work with you on thinking of solutions, which could indeed include going into an empty conference room and closing the door. That’s not inappropriate, and you’d be on solid ground in asking her to. But it should be part of a larger conversation about what’s happening so that it doesn’t come across as just, “Yo, we don’t want to be bothered with your pain, hide it away.”

Related:
a new manager says it’s a problem that our employee cries in meetings, at her desk, and during team lunches

2. Another angry boss writing angry memos

The president of a company I used to work for sent the email below a few years ago. I saved it as an example of how not to manage people and as a reminder for myself to look for a new job.

For context, the “tweak” was a new feature request from the client. This occurred in 2019 and as of 2023 the client had continued to make suggestions for additional “tweaks.” It’s an inevitable part of being a company that does B2B bespoke software development. Here is his email (only names have been removed or altered):

I just finished having an email correspondence with (name) on the (project). He informed me that there was a meeting on Monday with (name) about more tweaks that need to be done. This is a pathetic effort on all your parts with no exceptions. How can a project that took months of planning and developing and designing and all of you involved in it miss a “tweak”? There is absolutely no sense of urgency on anyone’s part to launch anything that may give us a head start. All of you easily pass the blame on the other for either missing things or things not getting done on time. We have a major launch on hold because some of you or all of you missed a “tweak.”

Here is what IS going to happen. By the end of the day TODAY my time I want:
1. how was this missed
2. what is being done about it
3. when is this “tweak” going to be done and launched.

I don’t care who’s sick, on vacation, has other things to do, or whatever sad excuse anyone may come up with. The consequences for this not being done is not going to be pretty for anyone on this project. and if anyone of you thinks they are irreplaceable because of what you do, think again. Make it happen NOW.

This email was sent to approximately a dozen recipients, employees and managers, and almost all of them have since resigned from the company. What are your thoughts on this person’s leadership style?

Tiger Mike?

Aside from the fact that it’s not okay to talk to people that way, this person is an incompetent buffoon. Pre- and post-launch tweaks are such a routine and unremarkable part of software projects that the fact that he doesn’t realize that makes me wonder how he can possibly be in his position. It’s no surprise his staff all leave.

Related:
angry boss writing angry memos – the next installment

3. My team went to dinner without inviting me

I am the new head of a department and the leadership team (my direct reports and I) had an off-site on my second week. On the last day of our off-site, we invited the staff in that location for drinks in our offices. I saw two of my direct reports grabbing their stuff and asked if they were about to leave and they confirmed (they said they were tired). I handed over a gift and wished them a good flight.

I then spoke to other staff members, who said that my direct reports were going out for a dinner and asked them to join, and these other staff members asked if I’d join too. I hadn’t been invited and, given that my direct reports had had a few opportunities to do so, I said that unfortunately I could not join. I later went to my direct reports, who were standing together with other staff members to say goodbye, and again there was no mention to me that they were going out for dinner.

As they did invite staff members, and it was a close-off of the off-site, to me it wasn’t the same as socializing without the boss. (If it were only my direct reports going, it would not make me think at all that I’m being excluded.) It did make me sad, so I wonder if I should ask one of them what happened?

Don’t ask what happened. People sometimes want to socialize without their boss there, even if the boss is great, especially at the end of an intense off-site. It’s just different socializing with the boss there versus not; people can’t relax in the same way.

You said you’d understand that if it had been just your direct reports, but that doesn’t change just because they invited others. I know you probably feel awkward that they went out of their way to not tell you, but that’s not terribly unusual with this kind of thing. It’s genuinely okay that they wanted to do their own thing without their manager there, and you shouldn’t take it personally or make them think you feel weird about it.

4. My interviewer didn’t take any notes

How am I supposed to deal with an interviewer who seemingly isn’t taking notes when I answer her questions, but invited me in the first place?

I was invited for an interview and there were three panelists: one young woman, one young man, and one older woman (the one who contacted me). During my interview, only the man took notes during my answers to their questions and at one point, the older woman sighed and looked exasperated with him for taking notes.

I have not heard back from them but this interview was my attempt to get away from a very inappropriate boss in a different part of the agency who was harassing me. Maybe he knows this person and asked her to string me along? Is this a normal thing that happens?

Nope! That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen here — anything is possible — but it’s not common and there’s nothing whatsoever to indicate it occurred. Lots of interviewers don’t take notes! Some panels of interviewers assign one person to take notes. Others don’t care about notes at all. You shouldn’t read anything into that.

5. Am I ruining my life by moving for my spouse’s job?

I am about to move to a different state because my spouse broke into a career with a difficult threshold for entry after years of trying. I will be leaving a stable in-person job that I like, but which has enough problems that I was planning to find a new position anyway to improve my quality of life. I just did not expect to be searching out of necessity so soon, and did not expect to need to dive into the remote work world given our relocation destination away from our current metropolitan hub.

People from my millennial cohort seem to see no problem, and are nothing but optimistic about the move and my future opportunities. Yet after a month of searching with some leads but no offers, my parents tell me I am ruining my life by leaving a stable job to turn to remote work and are constantly ask whether I have found a job yet. Dare I ask you to be the tie-breaker — am I ruining my life, or is being a “trailing spouse” not the life-ruiner my parents seem to fear and this situation is better to present to a therapist?

Having to change jobs when you move with a spouse is not a life ruiner. If you do it repeatedly, it could make your professional life a lot harder — or at least not what you wanted — but even that isn’t a life ruiner, unless for you a happy life can only revolve around one specific career track. (No judgment if so! But most people have a lot of different work scenarios that could be compatible with a happy life.)

I’m also curious why you (or your parents?) are defining “stable work” and “remote work” as opposites. Remote work isn’t inherently less than stable than non-remote work. They’re all just jobs.

Also, a month with some leads but no offers is pretty normal and not a sign of doom.