Debunking Common Misconceptions About Gay Men

In a world obsessed with labels and stereotypes, it can be hard to defy the misconceptions that society has placed upon us. This is particularly true in the LGBTQ+ community, where members are judged and often persecuted through cherry-picked religious passages, flawed and outdated research, as well as inaccurate media representations of what it means to be queer in America. One simple conversation with any gay man will reveal that perceptions are often rooted in ignorance and long-perpetuated ideas of what and who they are, despite their oppressors having little or no interaction with them in any capacity. RELATED: Common Questions About Gay Guys, Answered To debunk the most popular misjudgments that gay men face and how to overcome them, we chatted with three prominent mental health professionals who have woven their own life experience into their work. Here’s what they had to say: The Most Common Misconceptions About Gay Men Misconception No. 1: Being Gay Is a Choice Despite Lady Gaga’s mega-popular and soul-baring “Born This Way” anthem, many people are reluctant to believe that members of the LGBTQ+ community are simply born the way that they are. But the question gay men like to pose in response to those who analyze their very existence is: Why would gay men choose to be part of a group that is often shunned and ostracized? Wouldn’t it be easier to be straight if sexuality was a choice? “This one makes my blood boil,” admits specialist psychotherapist Gino Cosme. “Half of Americans still believe this, despite literally decades of genetic research.” “Almost 500,000 people's DNA were analyzed in a massive 2019 study that shows sexual orientation involves complex genetic factors happening before birth,” he adds. “There’s also hormonal and environmental factors. When straight people say we ‘chose’ to be gay, they're basically admitting they've never questioned their own attraction.” Misconception No. 2: Gay Men All Want the Same Lifestyle Drug use and circuit parties are certainly rampant in the community, but it’s unfair to paint with broad strokes and assume that every gay man takes part. “This stereotype partly comes from decades of media portraying gay men in very narrow ways, usually the party-going, fashion-obsessed side of our community,” explains Nick White, life coach and owner of The Happy Human Project. “Plus, bars and clubs were some of the only safe spaces for gay men to gather, so the nightlife scene became the most visible part of queer culture.” The reality is that gay men’s interests are just as varied as their heterosexual counterparts. While some enjoy nightlife, others prefer hiking on a Sunday morning after sipping coffee with friends. “Your sexuality isn’t your hobby list,” White adds. Misconception No. 3: All Gay Men Are Sex Addicts There has long been a sexist assumption that all men are hornier than women. So if doing sex math, two men will naturally want to partake in bedroom activities more than a man and a woman. But many people take this assumption even further and essentially paint gay guys as akin to “sex addicts.” “This [also] comes from flawed research from the ’70s,” stresses Cosme. “Researchers literally only surveyed guys at bathhouses and cruising spots in San Francisco. That's like studying American eating habits by only talking to people at competitive eating contests.” Cosme links specifically to a large-meta analysis that shows 50 percent of gay men only had one partner or none in a year with a median lifetime number of partners at 19. “This is not exactly the sex-crazed narrative they love pushing.” “For decades, homosexuality was criminalized and pathologized, treated as a behavior to police rather than a human variation to understand,” adds White. “That framing stuck and it’s still reflected when people say ‘what you do in the bedroom.’” RELATED: Not All Gay Men Are Hypersexual “Gay men build relationships, marriages, and communities in the same way straight people do — our sexuality isn't just who we sleep with.” Misconception No. 4: Gay Relationships Are Disposable While some gay relationships may not be as conventional due to openness or even polyamory, that doesn’t make them any less loving or fulfilling. In fact, modern research suggests the opposite. “Studies show same-sex couples are just as capable of healthy, long-lasting relationships as straight couples, sometimes even reporting higher satisfaction because of shared gender experience,” shares White. “The stereotype comes from the media focusing on hookup culture, but that’s not the whole story.” Cosme echoes these sentiments, pointing to longitudinal data from Stanford that reveals how once marriage equality arrived, same-sex couples were just as and often more stable than straight couples. “But this myth stuck because we couldn't even legally marry until recently. It's kind of hard to prove relationship stability when the law won't recognize your relationship exists,” White adds. Misconception No. 5: All Gay Men Are Effeminate One stop in a local gym can easily dispel this mischaracterization, but for small-town and often small-minded people who don’t interact with diverse groups of individuals, it can be an ignorant and narrow-minded interpretation. “This myth just goes to show how much misogyny is behind homophobia,” says Cosme. “The logic is: Nontraditional gender expression equals weak. Plenty of us are masculine, plenty are fem, and most are somewhere in between.” “What's sad is seeing how the gay community has internalized this. Studies show many gay men actively distance themselves from feminine guys because we've bought into the idea that feminine equals lesser,” he adds. Misconception No. 6: Men Become Gay Due to Childhood Abuse Despite framing their sexuality not as a choice, this misconception is a pernicious one that casts gay men’s stories as inherently tragic, rather than full of love and joy. The sad reality is that the opposite of the misconception is true: Gay men are more likely to be abused as children because they’re different — and easy targets. “This is probably the cruelest one because it weaponizes real trauma,” shares Cosme. “We get targeted for being different, not because abuse turns kids gay. The causation flows backward: Kids show early signs of difference, bullies pick up on it, abuse follows.” RELATED: How to Support a Partner Who Was Abused as a Child Misconception No. 7: Being Gay Is Somehow Problematic While straight people may exacerbate this issue, Casey Gamboni, LMFT, owner and CEO of Chicago-based Friend of Dorothy Therapy Network. divulges that a shocking number of gay-identifying clients believe their homosexuality is somehow to blame for the problems in their life. “It wasn’t that long ago that LGBTQ+ identity was considered a pathology in therapy spaces,” he notes. “Until 1973, homosexuality was listed in the DSM as a diagnosis.” While this diagnosis has since been removed, Gamboni says, “Its influence shaped clinical practice. Many therapy training programs still operate within cis-heteronormative frameworks and queer and trans clients often enter therapy having internalized the messages that once labeled them disordered.” Unfortunately, just removing homosexuality from the DSM didn’t remove prejudice about gay people from the minds of some mental health professionals. “When coupled with a medical model that demands a clearly defined ‘presenting problem,’ clinicians, unintentionally or not, can still conflate identity with distress, reinforcing the false idea that being LGBTQ+ is wrong,” Gamboni says. “For queer clients, the distress that brings them to therapy is not about their identity itself, more about internalized stigma, oppression, and familial/societal rejection, along with presenting problems that exist regardless of someone’s sexual orientation,” he adds. How to Combat Misconceptions About Gay Men Though everyone relates to their sexuality in different ways, it may feel as if gay men have an underlying responsibility or obligation to combat the aforementioned misconceptions. But how, especially in a tumultuous time when many people seem increasingly reluctant to surround themselves with diversity, can someone change ignorant minds or, at the very least, demand respect? “I don’t think ignoring [people] is the answer,” argues White. “The more diverse stories we share — gay men as dads, leaders, creatives, athletes—the harder it is for old myths to stick.” RELATED: What Straight Dads Could Learn About Fatherhood from Gay Dads “It’s about visibility, nuance, and challenging lazy generalizations when they pop up. Some people will never change their minds, and that’s fine. We don’t need everyone, we just need enough truth out there that the myths lose their grip,” he adds. “Research does show education can reduce bias, but only when people actually want to learn,” shares Cosme, who believes that change must start from the top through institutions and work its way down. “It's a waste of time getting into arguments with the homophobes on social media or in the comments section. We should be pushing for campaigns that show our lives without feeding into stereotypes.” Gamboni agrees and is a huge proponent of visibility and having minority voices heard. “If LGBTQ+ history has taught me anything, it’s that we don’t make progress by staying quiet,” he says, noting that thought-provoking conversations can come in many forms and on many scales, including classrooms, family dinner tables, and larger protests. “When they are ignorant, we should get louder. We have made progress by resisting and speaking up, all while not letting outdated ideas go unchallenged.” You Might Also Dig: How to Come Out as Gay Can I Be Religious If I'm Gay?Gay Sex & Dating Slang, Explained