Can Age-Gap Relationships Work?

Whether it’s high-profile celebrities or just regular people, age-gap relationships are pretty common.

In fact, in Western countries, according to some data, around 8% of heterosexual relationships, 25% of gay relationships, and 15% of lesbian relationships feature an age gap of 10 years or more between the partners.

Whatever their prevalence or appeal, though, these relationships come with their own unique challenges. So, what is the key to ensuring a healthy dynamic despite the age difference? And at what point is the age gap too big to overcome?

Here’s what the experts say about age-gap relationships — and how to navigate them.

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Does Age Matter in a Relationship?

Across the board, experts agree that age is not the most important thing in a relationship. But to say “age is just a number” is a gross oversimplification — it does indeed matter. Age can inform your values, priorities, level of emotional maturity, and life experience, all things that may impact your compatibility with someone.

According to Kim Homan, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Clinical Director at Tennessee Behavioral Health, it’s more about how well your goals, values, and lifestyles align.

“For instance, a couple with a 10-year age gap might face different challenges if one is in their early 20s and the other in their 30s, as opposed to if one is in their 50s and the other is in their 60s,” she explains.

While a 22-year-old might still be in party mode, the 32-year-old might want to settle down and start a family. Whereas a 56-year-old and a 66-year-old might both be grandparents and looking for a similarly relaxed lifestyle.

In other words, what matters more than the number of years between you and your partner is what stage of life you’re in.

The Gender Aspect of Age-Gap Relationships

Research shows that over three-quarters of couples where younger women are partnered with older men report satisfying relationships.

There are several possible explanations for this, according to experts.

For one, Homan notes that relationships with younger women and older men tend to fall more in line with social expectations than the reverse. Facing social disapproval can certainly put a strain on your relationship.

Not only that, but it’s also worth noting that cis women have more of a strict biological clock than men. A woman in her 30s or early 40s who’s eager to get pregnant and start a family might have an easier time finding an older mate with the same priorities than a man in his 20s who’s not ready to settle down yet.

Interestingly, though, other studies have found that women tend to be more satisfied and committed in age-gap relationships where they're older than they are in relationships with partners who are older or the same age.

Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and resident sex researcher for ASTROGLIDE, says this lines up with his own observations.

“I’ve found that older women partnered with younger men were more content with their relationships than younger women partnered with older men,” he tells AskMen. “This isn’t to say the younger women were dissatisfied — just not quite as highly satisfied on average.”

One potential reason? According to Lehmiller, the older woman/younger man dynamic might be perceived as more equitable or empowering to women.

“The traditional evolutionary psychology perspective says that younger women are attractive to older men because of their fertility, while older men are attractive because of their money, career success, and social status,” explains Suzannah Weiss, a certified sex educator, relationship coac, and sexologist at BedBible. “However, more recent research calls this binary into question. For instance, many younger men are attracted to older women’s success, social status, and confidence.”

RELATED: 5 Benefits of Dating an Older Woman

What Challenges Do Age-Gap Couples Tend to Face?

Being in an age-gap relationship does come with some unique obstacles. Those may include things like:

Social Stigma

Studies have found that partners with more than a ten-year gap in age tend to experience social disapproval.

“One of the biggest challenges is social acceptance,” says Lehmiller. “People in age-gap relationships frequently find their relationships subject to scrutiny and judgment from family, friends, and society at large.”

According to Lehmiller, this stigma usually stems from the perception that age-gap relationships are inherently exploitative or that there’s a power imbalance.

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“There's often a presumption that these relationships are based on superficial factors like money or physical attraction, rather than genuine connection and love,” explains Homan. “Additionally, concerns about power imbalances can also contribute to this stigma.”

Differing Priorities

When you and your partner are in different stages of life, you might not be focusing on the same things.

For example, a guy in his 20s who values going out to bars with friends might find it difficult to sustain a happy relationship with a woman who’s already past that phase and more interested in spending time with family.

Similarly, it might prove problematic if a woman in her 30s who’s eager to travel the world dates a man in his 50s who’s trying to settle down.

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Family Planning

Speaking of mismatched priorities, Lehmiller notes that age-gap relationships can be tricky when one person wants to have kids and the other doesn’t or can’t — say, because they already have children from a previous marriage, they already elected to have a sterilization procedure like a vasectomy or a hysterectomy, or they’re simply no longer fertile due to their age.

Can Age-Gap Relationships Work?

Despite the undeniable challenges, experts agree that age-gap relationships can definitely be successful.

In fact, some research shows that age-gap couples report greater trust and commitment and lower jealousy than similar-age couples.

However, studies have also found that age-gap relationships tend to decrease in satisfaction with age — particularly when couples face financial hardships.

One factor that appears to have a significant effect on the outcome of age-gap relationships is the couples’ perceptions of social disapproval. When people believe their friends, family, and community at large object to their age-gap relationship, they’re more likely to break up.

Still, if you can overcome that disapproval, Weiss says your ability to ignore other people’s opinions may actually work to your advantage. After all, persisting in the face of social stigma requires being very devoted to your partner — and facing this judgment together may even make your bond stronger.

The bottom line?

“Age-gap couples can thrive just as well as couples of a similar age, provided they communicate openly and nurture their relationship through differing life stages,” says Jessica Anne Engle, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director-owner at Relationship Center.

What Is the Key to a Successful Age-Gap Relationship?

“Signs of a healthy age-gap relationship include mutual respect, shared values, effective communication, and a strong emotional connection,” says Homan. “Each partner should feel valued and understood, with their relationship based on genuine affection and mutual support.”

According to experts, some other factors that can contribute to a successful age-gap relationship include:

• Productive conflict resolution
• Supporting each other’s goals and dreams
• A mutually satisfying sex life
• A solid foundation of trust
• The ability to compromise as needed

“A healthy relationship takes the age gap into account without allowing it to limit the relationship,” adds Weiss. “For instance, both partners may be considerate by accommodating each other’s potentially different schedules, social lives, and even taste in things like movies and TV. But they’ll also make the effort to explore each other’s interests even if they’re more typical of a different generation.”

What’s Too Big of an Age Gap in a Relationship?

Experts agree to disagree here — the point at which an age gap becomes problematic is pretty subjective.

That said, one 2017 study found that couples with an age gap of 1-3 years had the greatest levels of satisfaction. Relationship satisfaction decreased for couples with an age gap of 4-6 years and was even lower for couples with an age gap of 7 or more years.

This research suggests that relationships are more successful when the age gaps are smaller — but of course, there are always exceptions to this.

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“A couple with a 20-year age difference who excels at communicating may be much happier than a couple with a 5-year difference who lacks the skills needed to problem-solve their differences,” explains Engle.

Amira Williams, a sex therapist with a Ph.D. in gender and sexuality studies, puts it this way:

“If one partner remembers watching the moon landing live on TV while the other doesn't even know what dial-up internet is, there might be too many generational gaps to bridge.”

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